Total Sianness

It's been going on for sometime now, first as a rushing trainload of events, from the proposal to preparing for matriculation fair in mid-July, to manning the matric fair booths in late-July, to preparing and carrying out the welcome tea in early August, all the way to the bbq that just happened this week.

That is perhaps one major factor. When you're tired physically, your spirits tend to be down.

Second as the tumult of feelings and emotions that run through this current part of school life. CCA seemed to be a fresh respite from 9 to 5, but now it's become something of a heavy burden. Not that I can hand the stuff to someone else immediately (I can only do so in a few weeks time), but every waking moment I'm reminded that there're plans to be fulfilled and I can fulfill them now as yet, so I have to hold on to them for quite a while. I'd just like to throw all the emails out and all but common sense tells me I should wait for others to help too.

Now, lectures and tutorials become a respite from CCA. In lectures I feel transcendent... in tutorials I am myself. Tutorials are perhaps the only place I can make new friends, but because of the first reasons, I'm so tired of everyone I see. Everyone's so decidedly 2-d lah. 2-dimensional. Damn sian with all these uninteresting people running around. The girls in my lectures are all the fucking same! The guys are all fucking perverts too. Those who are not, are boring fuckers.

So far the most interesting people I've come across come from Literature. Yes, these are fuckers I really take to. Maybe that's because deep down inside, I'm a Literature person too. But I chose to take Sociology because it's a form of transcendence. I get to rise above my immediate surroundings by scrutinising them in objective detail. But of all the people who take Sociology, 99% are just perfunctory people who just do Soci without much thought. The other 1 % who really delve deep, they are mostly nerds.

Like me. Hohoho I'm a nerd with a guitar and a fucked up band and an egotistical nature.

Third even unconventional people start to bore me. I'm getting tired of the same unconventional people with the same unconventional styles and shit. It's such the freaking same! And their problems just piss me off. And I'm not even in the inner circle, and I'm already feeling sianned.


I just came back from Baybeats. These bands who performed, some of them sucked, but other than that a lot of them were just really 放，as in they just let it go.

I've got so much inside me that I just hold back.

I want to 放 also. Just let everything pour out, don't care whether it will be good or radio-friendly or whatever. Lyrics too. Just 放.

A friend of mine has mentioned that he wants to form a "fuck everything band", and I know just what he means. I did say I can try for the band, but then I have a voice to protect. Plus my band is the shitz man. But it'll be great to have a new experience, especially with two really good musicians.




I think I know the answer out of this fucking mess. And that is to spend more time alone. Time spending on myself. Maybe just talk to a select few friends. Like Chang. Chang is a good, good friend to have around... Doesn't tell you how to live your life, just comment here and there, and just listen. Sometimes we have long discussions and talks and all about stuff that matters and those that doesn't, and it's just great. I guess this kind of friendship is very exclusive, cos it doesn't intrude into his personal life, and neither do I have to worry about any shit pouring from his side into my life.

I think, that's the whole idea of a friendship. A comfortable respite from everything in your life. When you talk to a friend, all your other relationships with other people and all your other contacts should not overlap with this one.

Good night.